Baked beans cause bottom gas – but it’s not enough to aid space travel apparently….. Why doesn’t anybody tell me these things?

There is unrest on the Moon.  A ruckus has broken out over reports of funny Moon Bear things, which has caused Moon Critters to run around hitting one another with rolled up newspapers, thus causing the head Genie-arse Moon Critter – renowned for his well-stocked Moon news-agents shop on the corner – to run out of news-papers.   John Revolting, the Moon Oracle is just thankful his news reports are either verbal or psychically transmitted.

Meanwhile, back on Earth, the Karillapig has discovered baked beans.  You may think this statement is not worthy of World news.  Everyone on Earth must know about baked beans.  Not the Karillapig though.  The Karillapig has discovered baked beans in the Bumblebottom’s kitchen.

There is a reason for this?  Doreen Bumblebottom has gone off on one of her exciting ‘Crochet Convention’ weekends.  This means Derek Bumblebottom is left to fend for himself.  Great news for Doreen Bumblebottom, not such great news for Derek Bumblebottom.  Derek Bumblebottom is not known for his cooking skills.  Baked beans have proven to be too much of a challenge, and so have ended up burnt and stuck to the bottom of a pan.

Dereks sink

Now remember, with the Karillapig coming from the dark side of the Moon, baked beans are not something he has been in regular contact with.  Fair enough.  It was the Hippobuffafrog who, during a rummage searching for clues as to how space travel was made possible for Earth Critters, found the pan abandoned in the sink with the burnt baked beans –still burnt and still stuck.  On making this remarkable discovery, the Hippobuffafrog immediately summoned the Karillapig, as he believed he had found irrefutable evidence of space travel.  You see it’s like this.  If you were to look at the situation from the point of view of the Hippobuffafrog and the Karillapig, you would understand this is an easy mistake to make.  The pan bears a startling resemblance to the preferred means of travel on the Planet Eris, inhabited by the Erisy-ite-lings.

Erisy-ite-lings are round Space Critters.  Basically, if you looked at an Erisy-ite-ling, you would be forgiven for thinking it looked rather like a lump of modelling clay cut into a short cylinder shape.  This is because Erisy-ite-lings are made from modelling clay cut into short cylinder shapes.  They are all pink, except for the blue ones, which are all green.  They have eyes, ears, noses, mouths, arms, legs and special springs to move about, but all you can see are the eyes and the enormous feet because everything is see-though. 

The vessels Erisy-ite-lings use to travel around look like pans.  The vessels Erisy-ite-lings use to travel around in look like pans because they are modelled on pans.  The vessels Erisy-ite-lings travel around in are modelled on pans because they are a snug fit, and don’t cause any numbness in the bum when on long journeys to visit their Grandma’s.

That is the reason why the Hippobuffafrog has got excited.  It is also the reason the Karillapig is excited.  It’s quite obvious now.  The Earth Critter known as Derek Bumblebottom must have been travelling through space secretly.  It is also obvious now that the burnt beans are the fuel.  This theory must be put to the test.   The plan is for the Karillapig and the Hippobuffafrog to eat some of the beans, plonk themselves inside the pan, then psychically link through the flower antenna’s on the Karillapig’s head to ‘The mighty Captain Wide-Shoes’ (the Moon Critter who does
that air traffic control thing) then hey-presto, Earth Critter space travel will be proven.

Captain Moon

Easy as chips.

Now, as regular Earth Critters like you and I will understand, eating baked beans is good – though eating more than our own body weight in baked beans would not be recommended.  Remember, the Karillapig and the Hippobuffafrog are used to a steady diet of crochet squares and socks.  For the Karillapig and the Hippobuffafrog, eating their own body weight in crochet squares and socks is not such an issue, as they burn off the energy by thinking about whether
owls have knees.  If you’re the Karillapig or the Hippobuffafrog, eating your own body weight in baked beans when you believe the baked beans are fuel designed to aid space travel would make complete sense.   If you’re the Karillapig or the Hippobuffafrog eating your own body weight in baked beans to aid space travel, the last thing you’d be expecting would be an almighty case of wind.

An almighty case of wind is exactly what’s happening here.  The Karillapig and the Hippobuffafrog have settled themselves down nicely into the pan after eating copious amounts of baked beans and are waiting.

Still waiting.

Something is happening.  This must be the start of Earth Critter style space travel.  Both the Karillapig and
the Hippobuffafrog can feel something building up inside them.  In fact, what ever is building up inside them
is feeling rather powerful. 

Ahhh, this must be the ‘blast’ that launches Earth Critters into space think the Karillapig and the Hippobuffafrog.  Of course it is, what else could it be?

Cobbledidog!  This rumbling surely isn’t right?  Both the Karillapig and the Hippobuffafrog are feeling strange gassy rumblings in their tummies.  Things are starting to happen.  Oh good Cobbledidog – suddenly, with an almighty ‘whoosh’ a strange baked bean induced gas escapes both the Karillapig’s and the Hippobuffafrog’s bums.  

Trump no not Donald

This ‘whoosh’ sends the Karillapig and the Hippobuffafrog hurtling out of the pan.  Not through time and space as originally intended, instead straight into a contraption know to you and I as a clothes horse.  A close horse currently sporting Derek Bumblebottom’s underpants.

There is mayhem in the Bumblebottom’s kitchen.  The floor is now strewn with Derek Bumblebottom’s underpants.  In amongst the underpants are a rather dishevelled Karillapig and Hippobuffafrog.  Landing in Derek Bumblebottom’s underpants when attempting space travel is not recommended.  Landing in Derek Bumblebottom’s underpants when attempting space travel can damage you’re reputation with other Moon Critters, so we’re not going to mention this again – much.


The furry thing with the pointy ears is amused.  The Karillapig and the Hippobuffafrog do not share this amusement.

So, it’s back to the drawing board.  More investigations are in order, though following this ordeal, the Karillapig and the Hippobuffafrog are going to go and chill out for a bit in the washing-up bowl at the bottom of the Bumblebottom’s garden.  Next time, maybe they should consult the Arrogant Horse?

Until the next ‘Earth stopping’ instalment of the tales of the Karillapig, I’ll bid you tarah for now..

Michelle Graham 1st (well actually I’m not the first – apparently there’s other people in the world called both Michelle and Graham, though both can be male names… just saying)….

Remember kids – always eat your apples from the outside first…….

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