To be more precise: Location Earth, Barnoldswick.
To be even more precise: Location Earth, Barnoldswick – the washing-up bowl at the bottom of the Bumblebottom’s garden.
To be painstakingly precise: Location Earth, Barnoldswick – the washing-up bowl at the bottom of the Bumblebottom’s garden, and it’s Easter.
It’s a glorious day here on Earth. The Karillapig and the Hippobuffafrog have woken up in the washing-up bowl at the bottom of the Bumblebottom’s garden to the sound of birds singing.
To the Karillapig and the Hippobuffafrog, bird-song doesn’t sound the same to them as it does to us. The Karillapig and the Hippobuffafrog hear the birds having actual conversations, and this mornings conversation is going something like this:
Random bird 1: “It’s always the same. As soon as the sun appears the humans insist on committing multiple fashion crimes”
Random bird 2: “I know. I’ve had to put my sunglasses on today to shield my eyes against the glare from the human legs”
Random bird 1: “…and what’s with the flip-flops? ”..
This is the general gist, and apparently what most birds talk about when it’s sunny in this town. So now we know.
Having listened to the bird’s conversation, the Karillapig and the Hippobuffafrog are inclined to agree. This morning Derek Bumblebottom ventured out of the house en-route to his other wife – the allotment. Derek Bumblebottom has a strange knotted arrangement on his head. Derek Bumblebottom looks like a buffoon.
The Karillapig and the Hippobuffafrog were planning on following Derek Bumblebottom today to do more Earthly investigations. This plan has gone awry due to the method of travel they chose.
You may remember how the Karillapig travels by sticking his slippers up his nose, then hopping up and down on the spot ten times whilst chanting the name of the required destination backwards. As you do.
When Moon critters are travelling in pairs, the method is a little different. This method involves both Moon critters chanting the words to the most favourite Moon tune, which by coincidence is also a favourite here on Earth. The tune in question is also a popular choice for the first dance at the weddings of Moon Critters.
The tune is question is ‘Lip up Fatty’ by Bad Manners.
Whilst chanting the words to ‘Lip up Fatty’, in order to travel, the Karillapig and the Hippobuffafrog also need to juggle jelly cubes whilst blowing kisses at passing pigeons. Once this simple ritual is complete, the pair must shout (at precisely the same time) the desired destination.
As the aforementioned travel shenanigans are going on, in order to steal a march on Derek Bumblebottom, the Karillapig and the Hippobuffafrog are about the chant a word for allotment backwards – tnem-to-lla or something, but they don’t quite time it right, so instead end up in front of a stable in some field somewhere near somewhere else. Or somewhere like that.
There’s a strange sound of clip-clopping, and the clip-clopping is getting nearer. I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking how can there be a clip-clopping sound in a field where there is grass? Well imaging a kind of muffled clip-clopping and you’re there.
The Karillapig and the Hippobuffafrog are suddenly in a shadow. As they look up, they discover the shadow is being cast be a massive ‘neighing’ thing. The ‘neighing’ thing is a horse named Archibald. Archibald is better known as the Arrogant Horse – generally because he’s an arrogant horse. Why else?
The Arrogant Horse would like to write a book. Three things are stopping him. The first thing is that he doesn’t really write because he can’t find the time. The second thing is that his time is filled up with being arrogant, and the third thing is that he doesn’t really know what a book is, or what writing is, but he doesn’t admit to it.
The Karillapig and the Hippobuffafrog have met similar Moon Critters in the past who are like the Arrogant Horse. The Moon Critters, who are like the Arrogant Horse, come from a decorated background (not in the medal sense, they are descendants of the Wall-paper Critters from a little moon around the corner from Mercury) and are famed for their skills in space travel. The Karillapig and the Hippobuffafrog assume the Arrogant Horse will be able to help them finally discover how Earth Critters claim to have travelled to the Moon.
Unlike us humans, and those of us who are extremely special, the Arrogant Horse can see the Karillapig and the Hippobuffafrog. The Karillapig and the Hippobuffafrog are okay with this because it means they don’t have to remember to engage invisibility. The other remarkable thing is the Arrogant Horse, the Karillapig and the Hippobuffafrog can talk to each other.
The Arrogant Horse makes a lot of puffing sounds.
The Karillapig and the Hippobuffafrog have managed to convince the Arrogant Horse that they are genuine Moon Critters. The Arrogant Horse is up to date on the reasons for the Karillapig’s and the Hippobuffafrog’s visit to Earth, and their mission to find out how Earth Critters claim to have travelled to the Moon.
The Arrogant Horse is somewhat full of himself now because he knows he is one of the only beings on Earth who is aware of this. Now maybe he can write that book.
The Hippobuffafrog is in no danger of winning any good idea awards. The idea he has now certainly ranks with even his most stupid.
The Hippobuffafrog has noticed a large pile of strange looking brown stuff, which apparently has been deposited by the Arrogant Horse. To the Hippobuffafrog’s thinking, this must be some kind of travel fuel, so he’s decided to have a little look while the Karillapig and the Arrogant Horse are discussing how Flamingo’s can be a nuisance because they cheat at chinks.
As far as the Hippobuffafrog figures, he will get a lot of Moon Credit if his hunch turns out to be right. There’s only one way to find out if this fuel is in fact fuel, so the Hippobuffafrog takes a massive mouthful and swallows it down in one. He then throws it back up in one.
There’s a lesson to be learned here. Mainly that manure isn’t travel fuel capable of aiding space travel. The other lesson is that nothing tastes particularly good if not covered in that brown saucy stuff Earth Critters tend to smother food with.
Good thing the Karillapig and the Arrogant Horse didn’t witness this…
Oh wait… they did. Now they’re laughing, so the Hippobuffafrog is in a sulk. Being the butt of the joke wasn’t the intention. Next time they can eat their own manure.
Well that was one of the more interesting updates on the adventures of the Karillapig, the Hippobuffafrog and now the Arrogant Horse.
Tune in next time to find out how the Moon Critter known as the Flipertiest of all Flipperty Jibbets flippers her way from the Moon down to Earth for the day. In the meantime, tara for now…
Michelle Graham 1st.and proud to be owned by crazy furry things with pointy ears.