So..where were we?
The last time we talked, I reported on the Karillapig landing on Earth, then inhabiting the washing up bowl at the bottom of the Bumblebottom’s garden….. Oh yes, you remember now ….. Well now it’s a new day on Earth as the Karillapig is discovering….
It’s a fairly usual morning on Earth. Usual for the ‘Bumblebottom’s’. Not usual for the Karillapig. A usual morning for the Karillapig is:
1. Wake up
2. Have some knitting for breakfast
3. Have ‘The Moon News’ beamed down through the antennas on your head
4. Disregard all the meaningless news – bickering amongst Venus critters over the ‘Woolly-Pulley’ wars usually hit the headlines, though progress on A.R.S.C meetings are now taking over. There is no progress to report.
Now the Karillapig is on Earth, a usual morning is:
1. Wake up
2. Eat (nick some crochet squares from Doreen Bumblebottom’s knitting stash).
3. Tune into A.R.S.C
4. Disregard A.R.S.C
5. Prioritise on finding out how Earth man claimed to get to the moon.
The Karillapig has a plan today. He will travel around a bit, do some exploring. Landing on the allotment was an education. The Karillapig recognised giant sprouts (cabbages to you and I). On the moon, giant sprouts are business men. The resemblance in uncanny – as is the smell.
*note – the allotment mafia are in discussion. The shed is packed out, and now the biscuits have run out. It’s bedlam here. If that’s not bad enough, some dingbat has nicked the washing up bowl…..
We’ve already learnt how the Karillapig is able to travel. He needs his slippers. Remember? To enable successful travel by evaporating and then re-morphing, the Karillapig has to:
• Put his slippers up his nose
• Hop on the spot ten times whilst chanting the desired destination backwards
• Hey-presto… there you are, or were, or here you are, or will be …, you get the drift.
The Karillapig has been observing Earth. The Karillapig is certain that his form of transportation is better than the options on Earth. The inhabitants of Earth pile themselves into metal boxy things on wheels. Once in metal boxy things on wheels, the inhabitants of Earth then proceed to shout at other inhabitants of boxy things on wheels – often using intricate hand-gestures. Apparently, when the inhabitants of boxy things on wheels make intricate-hand gestures, they reach their destination faster……Apparently.
The Karillapig will set off exploring after he’s eaten.
The Karillapig uses the ‘square thingy with the flap doo dah’ on the ‘Bumblebottom’s’ back door to get in to their house, then helps himself to crochet squares.
The Karillapig knows the square thingy with the flap doo hah in the ‘Bumblebottom’s back door is another door. Possible even a door to another dimension as he’s recently observed a furry thing with pointy ears coming through it. The furry thing with the pointy ears can see the Karillapig. The furry thing with the pointy ears knows the Karillapig is not from Earth, so it just gives a curtesy hiss. The Karillapig takes this hiss to mean “hello there”.
*On the moon, critters regularly hiss at one another. This is often a welcoming gesture and is even featured in the moon dictionary, though in some cases a hiss is urban moon slang for “would you like to see my potatoes?”
Doreen Bumblebottom has left her crochet squares out. This is good. This means the Karillapig doesn’t need to engage his wool compass to search it out. The Karillapig gobbles down the crochet square in one foul sniff.
The word ‘Cobbledidog’ is a swear word on the moon. It means *!!%$*** and is generally uttered when moon critters become vexed. The Karillapig is now vexed and is uttering “Cobbledidog” because the crochet squares taste like the droppings made by the ‘copper-kettle-munching’ moon critter known as Tronald Dump. In fact, the Karillapig is sick – not just sick, but sick on his slippers!
You know what this means?… That’s right, it means that until the Karillapig’s slippers are cleaned, he will not be able to shove them up his nose, therefore he will not be able to travel.
In fact, Cobbledidog all the way off!
Not to worry, the Karillapig uses his extra brains that he keeps in his purse. A new plan is called for. The Karillapig will begin his ‘search for how Earth beings got to the moon’ in the Bumblebottom residence….
This should be fun – I imagine you’re on the edge of your seats as you read this….
As your eagerly awaiting the next instalment remember, before doing squats don’t forget to remove your spurs.
P.S. I nicked a copy of the Karillapigs diary, so I know it’s all true….